i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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