i would punch a child for taco bell
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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