How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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