The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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