Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
