What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
