The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
