Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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