i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
