there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
