i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
