she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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