Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
