Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
