please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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