Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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