Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We left an ass print on the piano.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
