sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
