Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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