There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
