If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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