Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
