My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
