Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
