You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
