I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
