Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
