I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
