Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let the clothes fall where they may.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
