you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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