i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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