Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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