I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
