Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
