i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
