Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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