U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
