Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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