How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
