my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
