i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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