The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were trust falling into bushes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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