I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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