I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is the high leading the old right now
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
