I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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