Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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