I hate your face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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