sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
