My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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