If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
